Mad Hatter: The Final Chapter

Why is this woman smiling?

Because she never has to teach Jaime and I to knit again!

Last Tuesday was our final knitting class. Well, I take that back. The Tuesday BEFORE was our last knitting class, but our group decided we were in such need of help (we dubbed ourselves the Short Bus, if that gives you any idea) that we added another class.

Can you guess who needed ANOTHER day on top of that extra one? You don't have to guess out loud, you'll hurt my feelings. So on Friday, Jaime and I barged in on Poor Unsuspecting Sandra as she slaved away stocking yarn (um, can I please have that job!?). She looked up surprised and, seriously, the first words out of her mouth where "Oh No."

Oh yes. Jaime and I were bound and determined (or bound and knitted, if you prefer) to finish this insert cuss word of choice hat. So we sat that Sandra down and forced her to school us some more.

And she did. And I finished! Yippie! I'm so excited. I know I look like I'm wearing a bag on my head straight outta Hot Pink Hell but I don't care. It's done, I made it, it's got enough holes in it to double as a ski mask, it's awesome. And if you talk smack about my hat, you can be certain you'll be gettin one just like it. (who am I kidding, I'm never gonna remember how to knit another hat, I'll just give you this one!)

Will Jaime and I ever knit again? Me thinks so. However, Sandra informed us that, not only is she taking a 2 week hiatus, but that she doesn't teach classes beyond the Hat Class. Personally, I think she doesn't wanna take her chances runnin into Jaime and I again!


























Why do I look like I'm channeling Joey Ramone?! I wanna be sedated!

Everything I Need to Know, I Learned in a Theme Park

Professional Development is important for the growth of every teacher. Lessons learned through Professional Development (aka PD) can be brought back to the school and shared with students, faculty and staff. I recently took a personal day (also known as PD...we educators are not so creative) and went to Orlando. Though I couldn't turn in PD hours for going to Universal Studios or Sea World, I felt I'd developed by going there.

Professionally developed, that is. I'm still waiting for that physically developed thing to happen.
I'm getting off topic. I meant to share with you the lessons I learned while at aforementioned theme parks:

Lesson #1: Try to avoid theme parks where a roller coaster has recently opened. This here is a photo of the Rockit. It's at Universal. It's amazing. You get to pick a song to serve as your soundtrack for the duration of the ride. My song of choice? Sabotage by the Beastie Boys.

Lesson #2: Never wait for any ride for more than 3 hours. Dude. Seriously. We did. I don't recommend it. HOWEVER...while waiting, I did learn the following lessons on personal hygiene.



Lesson #3: If you are a dude, and you have man mammaries, a swipe of deodorant under moobs may prevent moob sweat. I'm just saying. Sittin' square in the sun for 3 hours'll do that to ya. And no one needs to see that.









Lesson #4: If you are a lady and you have to perform a squat, thrust in order to retrieve your shorts from your ... area, you may wish to invest in larger shorts. Again, just a thought.

And lastly,
Lesson #5: Always think through a tattoo before getting one. For example, if you decide to get a tattoo that surrounds your belly button, you may wish to consider what it will look like when your belly expands 10 sizes. Okay, I tried very hard to get a photo of this dude. He was shirtless, he was sweaty, he had the World's Hugest Belly and said Button Tattoo. But he was on to me. And he was creepin' me out. Each time I turned the camera his way, his pinkie finger began digging inside his belly button while he starred at me.

Fugly Frocks

Once upon a time, I fancied myself a hippie chick. I painted my dad's old pair of jeans with daisies, had bells on my bottoms the size of my head and wore a large amount of flammable polyester jackets. It was a dark and ugly time. So ugly in fact that my dad often demanded I change clothes before being seen in public.

These dresses are not from that time, but recent finds at the local thrift store. I love their unabashed tackiness. I had a little debate with the check out lady who said thing was supposed to be an apron. No way, says me. It's floor length. What was this hippie chick doing, cleanin' up after The Man?? Hell no! She is Woman, See Her Get Swallowed by a Giant Hanky!

And then there's this one. It still had it's original price tags (what?! no one wore this thing??). Mitch and I debated on this dress as it looks like I'm wearing it backwards. But it's darted on the zipper side and the label is in the back so...does it really matter? I mean look at it. Apparently when you live in a Yellow Submarine, you can wear your dress anyway you like.

Aww, wouldya lookie here! Guess who decided to deposit this morning's breakfast on the entrance rug so I could have the pleasure of tracking it thru the house this afternoon?! Perhaps the spoonful of whip cream for dessert last night was not a good idea. Maybe I'll use one of these dresses to mop up the mess...bound to be in improvement!

The Cookie Blob

I've been back at school for a week now. I've got 9 classes a day, that's about 180 kids give er take. Like every other teacher across the universe, I'm talking about such exciting things as Class Procedures! Rules! Consequences! Where NOT to shove your marker! You know, the usual.
At the top of this teachers rules is ... can you guess ... FOLLOW DIRECTIONS. I blather on and on about the importance of it all. Only to be the worst directions follower ever.
Take, for example, tonight's dessert. I dunno what inspired me to even make dinner, let alone dessert (guess who's been sniffing the markers) but I was so excited that I only glanced at the picture when throwing together these cookies. Oh, lookie! I need a WHOLE STICK OF BUTTER.

Seriously? Not even a red flag went up when I added the whole thing. Only when I opened the oven and saw The Cookie Blob did I go back and actually READ the directions. Oops, I thought. Well, let's see if adding marshmellows to the top can save this thing.

And doncha know...it wasn't half bad. Mitch is pretty used to my cooking, so he just laughed, shrugged and proceeded to devour most of the mess. The verdict? "Not bad...it doesn't really taste like a cookie though". Hm, I wonder if that could be because it's basically cooked butter with chips and 'mellows?!

Julia Child, I am not.

Mad Hatter

My friend Jaime, who makes the most amazing bags on the planet (made from recycled coffee bags! How cool is that?! Get one at Portland Brew before they're all gone!), was so sweet and paid for us to take knitting lessons! What a wonderful way to relax and unwind at the end of the day, right? Oh, lemme tell you, I'm doing plenty of unwinding. Unwinding and unwinding lots of yarn...


In fact, take a good hard look at this knitted nightmare (um, it's supposed to be a hat. Shut up.) as I'm going to have to remove it and start again. It's all wrong...I keep messing up...and the annoying part? I know it's WRONG but I don't know WHAT'S WRONG! The worst part? The knitting is mocking me. Laughing at me. I'm beginning to get stressed! My hands start sweating, I start cursing, I'm developing a twitch and I'm tempted to stab the happy people in the knitting book right in their stupid happy faces!

Okay. Inhale. Exhale. Think happy thoughts. Rainbows. Unicorns. Cartwheels. A beautiful flowing knitted scarf that I can use to choke myself with.
AHH!

In all seriousness...I do enjoy it. But a hat as a beginner project? I dunno. I think a pot holder might have been better. Something to dry my tears of frustration...!

When in Rome...

When Mitch and I take to the road on these trips of ours, we often have these grand ideas of hitting quaint towns, straight out of the 1950's complete with soda fountains and Woolworth's. Sadly, it's not usually like that. These little places have amazing town squares that are ghost towns. It's very Twilight Zone without the groovy music and the intro from Rod Serling.

We are in constant search of "where the locals eat." I have decided that there are two categories to this question: fast food franchises or frightening mom-and-pop places that have never passed health inspections. For example, would you rather eat at Bojangles or $5 Fresh Buffet? How about breakfast at Dunkin Donuts or Dickson Donuts (unfortunate name choice, doncha think?) or there's the decision between Shoney's or Kuntry Kitchen (could I really make this up!?).
Depending on our level of bravery and whether or not we have tums, laxatives and ipecac in the glove box, we'll sometimes give the shady places a shot. I've got a feeling that pretty soon I'm going to have to start making my aprons outfitted with a Dunlap Disease opening. Like this guy's overalls. As in, my belly dun-lapped over my belt.
(Apron made a short while ago and is now in the hands of Kim! Happy cookin'!)

Don't Fear the Zipper

Approximately a million years ago, my Memphis friend Debbie gave me this dress. It had a broken zipper which she mistakenly thought I could fix. Unfortunately, I have a zipper phobia. I've never successfully installed one and I had visions of Mass Zipper Destruction happening under my fingertips. My only solace came when I heard "Don't Fear the Reaper" on the radio and altered the lyrics to "Don't Fear the Zipper:"

Come on Baby
(don't fear the zipper)
Sew this Thang
(don't fear the zipper)
Wus th' worse can happen?
(don't fear the zipper)
I really should just buy new clooooothes!

Fortunately, I got the zipper installed. Whew. It ain't pretty, it's my zipper. And then I just went all kinda crazy on this poor dress. First I added the ruffle at the bottom to give the dress a little more length. Then came the straps because, let's face it, what else is gonna hold this dress up? Next came the belt...and then I showed the dress to my fashion consultant (that would be hubs Mitch) who made the genius suggestion of the horizontal piece of brown fabric across the chest.
















I find the dress to be a pinch matchy-match (notice the strap I added to the clutch has the same brown and white polka dotted fabric -- somebody stop me!). Despite all of this, I strangely find it still needs more cowbell (hope that reference isn't too obscure! If so, youtube "needs more cowbell"!)

The Haunted Art Room

Recognize these people? Okay, I know the dude kinda looks like Andy Dick and the woman resembles Norman Bates mom from Psycho, but you know who they are supposed to be, I hope!

I've been working in the art room getting ready for this new school year, which starts, like, tomorrow (for us teachers, anyway!) and painting my windows was at the top of my list. I have two sets of floor to ceiling windows in my room and I always paint one. We're going for an Art Rocks theme (seems to be the running theme since we scored a drum set for the classroom --thanks, Forks!) and I wanted to show some masterpieces with a bit of a twist.


Have you ever been to Disney? There's the best ride on the planet called The Haunted Mansion. Before getting on the ride, a large group of people are herded into a room with paintings on the wall. Slowly, the paintings and ceiling grow (I think it's actually an elevator, and you are going down) and the paintings become longer, revealing a different picture altogether. That's what I was going for here. I'm thinking of painting The Scream on my other window and having that be the lead singer...

Okay, so windows done...notice I didn't take pictures of anything else! Maybe some ghosties will be kind enough to pick up after me tonight!

The End of the Road...

Well, my summer vacation is almost over. Monday is my last day of freedom and unfortunately, my classroom is in dire need of attention, so it looks like I'll be working there. It was a great summer while it lasted.

Mitch took this past week off too. Thursday we went road tripping and stumbled upon some pretty amazing things. Like this little roadside craft (more like crap) shop. I was not entirely sure we should venture in as my hazmat suit is currently at the cleaners, but Mitch was convinced the picture-taking would be awesome. It was sumpin, alright!

Here I am holding my $7 bottle of "Hell On Wheels" hotsauce...tested out later at Taco Bell where much water-drinking, eye-bulging, gagging and couching ensued.
















Yesterday we headed back to Savage Gulf for another backpacking trip. My favorite part, aside from seeing baby raccoons playing and making sweet little baby raccoon sounds, was the food! Ah, Mitch carved us a 3-pronged skewer and we put seasoned steak and peppers on it. Delish. And I think I have perfected my marshmellow toasting skills as the s'mores were tres magnifique.



Okay, back to reality...grass cuttin, house cleanin and hedge trimmin (unfortunately for those things, the sewing room is calling my name!)
p.s. I don't know why I'm being underlined!